Part 6:
WARNING: This Text Play Is not safe for work for reasons that will become obvious later on.
There it is, Balmora. Balmora is the largest town in Vvanderfell with the exception of Vivec. Or so they say. Balmora is where most new players go to after Seyda Neen and it's full of things to do. And things to rob. Without further ado, let's powerslide down the mountain and get to work.
After taking minimal damage, I head past the walls and arches and into the town itself.
Balmora is beautiful, with its simple stone architecture and cooblestone streets. It's especially beautiful at night, where the lighting effects come into play. The warm glow of the torches and the glowing windows really go a long way in the immersion. That is, if you installed the Morrowind Graphics Extender, texture mods, and lighting mods. If you didn't, the town simply looks like unholy ass.
Anyway, I get down to business and ask the townsfolk where the hell is Caius Cosades. They have no idea and they direct me instead to the South Wall Cornerclub, a bar in the “working-class” (I.e. poor) part of town to speak with the proprietor of the bar. They say he knows where Caius is. I head over to the bar and talk with Bacola Closcius. He gives some bulshit obscure directions like “turn left on the hill, climb the stairs, and get on the on-ramp on the freeway.” I didn't bother reading them since I could still remember Caius' house since the last time I played, which was 3 years ago. Fuck, I can't remember my math homework 3 minutes after my teacher tells us but I can remember the exact location of an obscure game character 3 years of not playing. I have some fucked-up priorities.
I work my way through the streets of Balmora using my memory, finally arriving at Caius' house. I open the door and I'm greeted by...
a half-naked old guy. You gotta admit it though, Caius has some pretty ripped abs for an old guy. After talking to him, it appears that Caius is actually an Imperial agent of some sort. So much for professionalism. I give him the package we were given earlier and it turns out it's actually a letter. The letter says that I should become a member of the Blades, kind of like the CIA and Secret Service mixed together. I accept, and Caius advises that I should level up and work on my skillz before taking on any orders, because honestly, if I can't take on some random bandits, what chance do I have on saving the world?
Caius also offers to let me crash on his bed any time I want, which is nice, except for the fact that I have to sleep next to a sweaty, half-naked, old guy. I'll find somewhere else to sleep, thank you. I also find a crack pipe and some Skooma under his bed. Really? The Empire is recruiting shirtless Skooma addicts as agents?
Anyway, I leave Caius' house and decide to take a tour around Balmora before doing any missions. I installed this mod called Balmora Expansion, which adds several metric asstons of improvements and stuff around Balmora. I take a walk around town until I come across the shops.
I did myself a favor and upgraded my equipment. I bought this spear called “Devil Spear” that has this effect called “Bound Spear” of which I have no fucking clue how it works. It also has this other effect called “Lightning Shield” which increases my resistance to electricity and shocks anyone too close to me. Pretty bitchin'. I also sold my extra armor pieces but again, they ripped me off and broke my balls.
After buying my equipment, I took a stroll through Balmora. One of the things the locals didn't tell me was that Balmora was also the Error Sign Capital of Vvanderfell™.
I'm pretty sure this is because I didn't install Balmora Expansion's dependencies, but I'm too much of a lazy motherfucker (MILFs only please.) to read the readme and download them all. One of the first things I noticed about the Balmora Expansion was all the new shops. Apparently, these shops sell unique items and junk you won't find anywhere else.
I must've misread the guide book since most of them just offer Yellow Error Signs™ for sale. Jeez, this is feeling more and more like my last trip to Hong Kong. Except this time I didn't have waitresses bring beer to our table when I said “COKE” in perfectly understandable English.
After the glitchy shops, I headed over to the Entertainment District. My first stop was the zoo. Yes, a zoo.
You might think visiting a virtual zoo would be boring, but virtual zoos don't smell of animal shit. The Balmora Zoo contains a pretty good collection of animals, it even has frigging demons and ogres. Does your local zoo have that? I didn't think so. Real zoos might have big dangerous animals like lions or tigers but the most exciting thing they ever do is shitting in front of everyone. The Balmora Zoo also gives a nice description of each animal, important since you're going to kill them sooner or later. Another reason why virtual zoos are better.
Like a regular tourist, the first thing I do after looking at the animals was to try and kill them. However, the modder who made this was smart enough to make the player unable to hit the animals. What a shame. This might also be the reason why I'm banned from zoos around the world. The last zoo I went to didn't take kindly to me going inside the Tiger exhibit and violently murdering them using my bare hands (I'm that badass) . Unfortunately, the World Wildlife Foundation put out a hit on me, so now I'm hiding for my life, especially since they're using their roster of wrestlers to get me.
After dicking around in the zoo, my next stop was the Museum of Ancient History. The museum was pretty small, with only one room housing all the artifacts. Still, there were a lot of priceless artifacts worth stealing looking at. It even included an ancient version of Iron Man:
What I was most interested in though was the weapons and armor exhibit. It's always enlightening to know more about ancient cultures, especially through stealing their artifacts. While I could've easily stolen ancient Dwarven or Daedric weapons by exploiting the guard AI, I opted not to since that'd just make the game too easy. I especially like the gift shop, especially since it's so realistic. Like real world gift shops, they sell shitty replicas and trinkets at exorbitantly high prices. Hell, you can't even kill stuff with the replica weapons since their damage is so low. On my way out of the museum, I met with Hotrunn Aldi, owner of the museum and the singer for the hit 80's band Wang Chung.
Seriously, what is it with this game's obsession with shirtless guys?
After stealing a few of Hotrunn's personal belongings, I exit the museum. Next, I go to Balmora's House of Heavenly Pleasures. Aaahh, finally. We can kick back, relax, enjoy a massage, maybe sit In the sauna, get a nice treatment for our fur, and...
what the fuck!? What the fuck is that!?
After recovering from the initial shock, I wonder what the hell is going on here? Is this a stripclub? After asking the manager, it looks this is “all-nude female boxing”. He also says that I can place bets. I place 50 gold on Betty, who I'm not quite sure is since I was too busy staring at boobs. I pull a nearby rope to start the match...
and the results are more “akward and violent” rather than”hot”. Shit, I was expecting something more along the lines of those “Lesbians Wrestling” videos I keep seeing on pornsites. Damn. Anyway, it looks like I won the bet and I get 100 gold. Hooray! After fapping furiously getting tired of watching naked women fight (which is something I never thought possible), I head out to find what else Balmora has in store for my genitals.
This time, I enter a placed called “Morgana's House of Earthly Delights” which is obviously a brothel. Still, it's nice to see a brothel that cares for its customers, even the Yellow Error Sign™ fetishists.
Still, I was pretty disappointed that they didn't have Khajiit prostitutes for my character, that'd be pretty hot revolting. Undeterred, I ask one of the dancers.
Wait, what? She became smarter from Khajiit yiffing? After consulting Google, it turns out that “smarting” means “to cause or be the cause or seat of a sharp stinging pain; also : to feel or have such a pain.” Oh. Depressed by the fact he can't get any tail, my character heads back to the naked boxing place in search for some poontang.
They don't. They do have a rockin' titty bar however. Still, seeing tits only won't satisfy my character's carnal fantasies. Depressed, my character slouches on the bar table, choosing to drown his sorrows in Mazte (Morrowind beer).
Several drinks later, this happens:
In a drunken stupor, my character wobbles around the bar, hitting random people, knocking down tables, and breaking bottles. Even though in a drunken and incoherent state, my character still manages to do one thing:
After a slap to the face and an ass-kicking by the bouncers, my drunken ass ends up in the gutter outside. Bruised and beaten, my character finally goes to sleep.
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