Morrowind Part 5: Brave New World

Part 5:

After my failed massacre, I figure it's time to leave Seyda Neen. There's a whole new world out there, and my character's not gonna be stuck here in this damp little squat. All I have to do is buy some provisions and go on a hike. We'll be going to Balmora to deliver the package I talked about in the first part. Since I died in the last part, I loaded my saved game which is right after I killed the assassin who tried to murder us. I take a rest on the hammock to recover the HP I lost from the fight. Let's do this.

Fuck, not this shit again.

Okay, I lazily used the same picture from the last part but another assassin really did spawn and try to kill me. I'm not sure if that was just random chance or someone really wants me dead. This time, I opened a can of a much-improved version of whoop-ass oh him, which meant I only had to run away once. Luckily, the game was on our side since my spear kept hitting him. Once he was disposed of, I looted his armor. Now I have two sets! Hooray!

After an assassin-free sleep, I was ready to leave Seyda Neen. Along the way, I passed by Fargoth, who found out about our little robbery. He doesn't want to talk to me anymore, but his disposition is still high and he still compliments me. Before leaving, I decided to sell the second set of armor to lose some inventory weight. Unfortunately, Arrille was a rip-off, buying my extra cuirass for 640 gold when it was worth 1000. Jebus, he really broke my balls that time.

I headed North... I mean East... where the hell is the compass in this game? Nevermind. I headed to the left (does that make sense) of Seyda Neen, towards Balmora. As I was walking, I was greeted by screaming. I looked up and saw this:

 

After his untimely and painful demise, I approached his corpse. Looks like he was Tarhiel, a wizard who thought he had developed a spell for leaping great distances. He was right, except he didn't account for gravity. Whatever. What I was more interested in was his clothes. Which I promptly took.

Oh yeah...

Pretty damn pimpin' if I should say so myself. The pimp robe and the dildo hat should help us yiff all the Khajiit chicks 'round here. I am after all, a Poonhunter.

Walking to Balmora was pretty uneventful except for those goddamn mudcrabs and worms. Not threatening, just annoying. The first thing I saw that was worth nothing was this small town called Hla Oad.

It's a small peaceful fishing town. Which meant most of the people there were poor motherfuckers. That severely limited my looting opportunities. What a shame. I also talked to a fence. Yes, a fence. But not that fence you idiot.

I bought a few lockpicks from him and a couple of probes to disarm traps. I also thought about selling some Skooma (the Morrowind equivalent of crack) I recovered from the warehouse but like Arrille, he kept breaking my balls. The people also kept saying that they haven't “seen a Khajiit in such a grand outfit for a long time” which means that my pimp robe is working! Or it could just be because of the fact that Khajiits have a reputation for being dirt poor. I guess it's the former.

After my brief stint in Hla Oad, I continued towards Balmora until I saw this peculiar fellow.

Trying to be a smartass, eh? Well I ain't falling for that. I decide not to give him the gold and he attacks me. I ready my spear and charge at him. And miss. After a single axe swipe that takes away 34 of my 35 hit points, I decide it's not worth it and I haul ass back to Hla Oad. Unfortunately, he catches up and he chops me in the back, resulting in my untimely death.

One load game later, I was back in Hla Oad, this time deciding to stay clear of that ruffian. I head north towards Balmora. That's until I find out that I'm completely lost. I found out that I'm on the other side of a frigging mountain with Balmora on the other side.

We can do it!

Several painful falls and deaths later, I finally manage to get to the other side overlooking Balmora.

Morrowind Part 4: Assassin's Creed

I thought I was going to have a great sleep... until this asshole shows up an hour later afer clicking the "Rest" button.

I thought he was the cleaner I hired to dispose of Foryn's corpse in the background but he then stabbed me. Jesus, there really is no rest for the wicked. I switched into badass mode and opened up a can of whoop-ass on the unsuspecting bastard.

By "open up a can of whoop-ass" I meant "get the fuck out of there". Fortunately, this assassin was considerate enough to wait for me to buy some potions from Arrille before trying to kill me. I came back inside and readied my spear. Fortunately, Algebra was on my side since my chance to hit was high enough to let me land blow after blow on the bastard. Several cans of whoop-ass and Restore Health potions later, I finally manage to kill him. As a reward, we get to steal his armor. Who says that murder doesn't pay?

With the assassin's armor, we look considerably more bad-ass than in the last part. No more mix-matched parts here! Seriously, my character really looks fetching. Yiff!

After conversing with a Legionary, it seems that I'm in deeper doo-doo than I thought. Some people want me dead. Bad shit's gonna go down and were gonna get to the bottom of it. Hopefully not literally. But let's forget the assassins for now, my character needs his beauty sleep.

After waking up, I decide to practice my skills in case I get attacked by those assasins again. I decide to have some target practice...

...on the people of Seyda Neen. Thankfully, they're too much of a dumb shit to climb the lighthouse and whoop my ass, so I'm safe. Fortunately for the townspeople, my agility and marksman skills are so low that I do only like 1 point of damage if I can hit them in the first place. When I pissed everyone off by pelting arrows at them, I decide to take my chances and exit the lighthouse.

Blast these infernal stairs!

It looks like the game is on my side because the townspeople are suffering from a bad case of "AI can't jump" syndrome. I continue pelting arrows at everyone, continuing my massacre one health point at a time. The Imperial Guards aren't much of a threat either, since they somehow run away screaming "That's it, I'm outta here!" even though my arrows barely even scratch their armor. Much to my surprise, there was one NPC who actually managed to get up to my sniping position.

Yes, it's Fargoth. Apparently, Fargoth couldn't put with all the bullshit we did to him and he broke down. Me stealing his 300 drakes was too much for him too handle. He ran at me while screaming "ONE OF US IS GOING TO DIE AND IT'S NOT GONNA BE ME!" and puching me in the face. He's much more badass than we thought, since he went all ChuckNorris™ on my ass until I kept collapsing out of fatigue and I couldn't get up.

Seriously. He was throwing so many punches that I couldn't get a chance to stab him with my spear. Well, karma's a bitch. Eventually, I got tired of his bullshit and I set him on fire with my magic. He didn't put up much of a fight since he died instantly. Unfortunately, so did I when a guard threw a javelin at me. At least Fargoth was partially right when he said that one of us was going to die.

Morrowind Part 3: Grand Theft Fargoth

Part 3:

After that harrowing encounter with bandits, I figure it's time to get some better gear. I head back over to Arrilles and get a bow to use along with the looted arrows from the warehouse. I also bought some armor parts from him.

Yeah, I look like a total jackass because I mix-matched different pieces from different armor sets. Also, those pants. I'm gonna have to fix that pronto. 

 

I went and bought a robe. Yeah, I still look like a jackass because of the different shoulderpads and the clipping gauntlets but I'm really digging this look. Especially the manpurse and belt he's rockin'. However, we better get back to business 'cause I'm really getting hard... dat fur... and rob Fargoth's stash.

Hriskarr didn't know where Fargoth was hiding his gold but he told me to get up on the lighthouse and watch where Fargoth would stash his gold. So I did. 

 

I went inside the lighthouse (it's also Processus' girlfriend's house) and went up to the top. The only notable loot I found was the book The Wraith's Wedding Dowry, a story about a how female Orc Thieve's Guild member's wedding dowry is stolen and how she kicks ass to get it back in time for her wedding with an Imperial. Suffice to say, it's a good story and it takes the term “interracial” to a whole new level. Anyway, I went up to the top and waited for 8 hours.... using the game's wait feature. 

Sure enough, Fargoth was there, looking like a total doofus by sneaking around in front of everyone. Apparently, Fargoth does this every night because the townspeople don't seem to give a shit. Fargoth also didn't mind me interrupting his sneaking, good thing since we're gonna rob his stash. After dicking around for a while, Fargoth finally approached his stash... a hollow treestump in front of three houses. Yeah... I'm sure that no one ever looks into that. 

 

To be fair it's in a swamp, but to be unfair, while Fargoth was stashing his stuff, about 5 people were looking at him. Great hiding place indeed. After Fargoth left his stash, I swooped in and took a peek. Apparently, he was hiding 300 drakes there and his ring. Naturally, I took his hard-earned gold but I left his ring alone. I'm an asshole, but not that much of an asshole. As soon as I stole his money, I head on back to bar. Not to give the money back to Hriskarr though. Screw him and his empire; my character needs the money. Instead, I went there to buy some bread.

This time, there was in-house entertainment in the form of a badly-modeled bard.

HELP I'M STUCK IN 1996!!!

Seriously, look at her. The face is weird, the torso looks like a box and the hips look like a Barbie doll's. Also, it seems that the engineers of Morrowind managed to make a record player in the shape of a lute (is that her instrument?) because it definitely sounds like one. It's even complete with clicks, pops, and hiss!

I'm not saying that the idea of the bard itself is bad though. It's great since it adds a lot of atmosphere to the bars in the game. I salute the modder who made this. Salute and send a link to a modeling tutorial.

After buying the bread and leaving the bar, I decide to talk to Fargoth to see if he's noticed our little robbery. He hasn't. After talking to him, my character then complained of how weary he was and that he needed to sleep. I went to the shack I “repossessed” from Foryn and slept there. It was a bit uncomfortable since it was just a hammock, but I guess that's what you get for killing a poor person. Let's go kill a rich person next time so we can a mansion. And a decent bed.

Morrowind: Livin' Large

Morrowind Part 2: Taxman

Part 2:

Now that I'm done mucking around in the Census office, it's now time to leave. As soon as I do, I get greeted by an elf face that's much too close for comfort. Jeez, have these people ever heard of not standing too close to area transitions?

As soon as I finish the configuration for Necessities of Morrowind, I'm greeted by Fargoth, the elf guy in the background. Seriously, I can't keep track of the elf races in this game.

Looks like poor Fargoth got his ring stolen by the guards. As it turns out, it was the ring that the game asked me to take from the barrel earlier. Being the nice guy I am, I give him his ring back. Because of that, his disposition (how much a character likes you) rises to 95 and we become the bestest of friends, with Fargoth complimenting me every time I pass by. Little does he know that we're going to betray him for more money later. After all, money is the best policy! (at least in RPGs) Fargoth also tells us that he'll tell Arrille, the owner of the tradehouse, about us. That'll give us a discount. It's always good to milk NPCs for everything they're worth in this game. (just like in real life!)

I decide to take advantage of Fargoth's goodwill so I go to Arrille's Tradehouse to buy some equipment. 

 

I have no idea how I have any money when I'm just a prisoner fresh off the ship but I do have money. It's not much but I do manage to buy an Iron Spear and an Imperial Chain Coif. It's not much, but it'll be enough until we can get enough cash to buy some decent stuff.

The carpenters of Morrowind must be pretty damn frustrated that no one's using their chairs.

It turns out that Arrille also has a bar above his shop. Also, why the hell is everybody standing up when there's a lot of perfectly good chairs to sit on? Anyway, I buy a couple of loaves of bread and some wine so my character has something to eat. I also talk to Hriskarr Flat-Foot, an Imperial soldier who tells me that Fargoth is hiding gold from them. He says that if I get the gold back, he'll give me a share. This is the part where we milk Fargoth for all he's worth.

After exiting the tradehouse, I come across this hot little number.

Apparently, we can travel together (tee hee hee) if I can raise her disposition high enough. You can raise her disposition by a tiny amount by giving her something to eat or drink. I gave up trying to raise her disposition since I needed food too. Pshhh. Women are so demanding. That's a nice relationship tip for ya: remember to keep stuffing your girl with food and drink to keep her happy.

I also come across this travelling merchant and her pack animal. Most of her stuff's too expensive but I do find this wig. Yeah, a wig. It also somehow has a higher armor rating than an iron coif. 

 

The townspeople are silent about my new hairstyle, but I know they're laughing. I can feel it. I take the wig off since it looks less awesome than my coif. Enough fooling around. It's time to kill stuff! Killing stuff is good! Killing is great! So is looting the cold, lifeless corpses of people! Yeah!

I decide to practice my killing skills on some mudcrabs in the swamps near Seyda Neen. 

They're not much of a threat, seeing as they go down in 2 spear hits. That's assuming that you can actually hit them, since your chance of hitting something in combat is decided by mysterious algebraic formulas based on your stats. That's why combat in Morrowind pretty much consists of you and the offending party staying in one place thwacking each other until you can actually hit them, especially in the lower levels.

While murdering the mudcrab population, I come across this guy's corpse.

Naturally, the first thing I do is to loot his ass! I find 200 drakes on his body as well as a tax record. It looks like he's Processus Vitellius, the taxman in these parts. I mention the corpse to the bald guy in the first part and he asked whether we found any money on his person.

Of course we “didn't”! Like the greedy bastard I am, I keep the gold for myself. Let the people of Seyda Neen worry about their missing tax money, we're going to spend it on some better equipment. But first, let's find the murderer. I mention the murder to the people in town but they don't know anything. Until I come across Foryn Gilnith. He says that he murdered the taxman because he was corrupt and kept the money to himself. Screw his beliefs, he's gonna have to pay for his crimes! And then we're gonna take his house when he's dead!

I engaged in vicious combat with Foryn, and by vicious combat I meant “hoping that the chance to hit is in my favor and getting the hell out of his house whenever I'm getting my ass kicked.” After getting my ass handed to me many times, I finally succeed in killing him! Hooray! He's a poor mofo, so he doesn't have much on him. I do however recover Processus' marriage ring. Not only that, we take possesion of Foryn's shack! Hooray!

I mention the murder again to the bald guy and we get 500 drakes as a reward. Add to that the 200 we stole from Processus' corpse and we get 700 drakes total! Who says the end doesn' t justify the means? I return the ring to Processus' wife and we get 2 Standard Restore Health Potions as a reward. Thanks!

After this, I roam around town looking for stuff to steal things to do. I come across a locked door to the Census and Excise Warehouse. Since it's a warehouse and the door's locked, there's bound to be some good loot in there. Unfortunately, the door's locked. Fortunately, I have this spell called Tower Key which can open a locked door worth 50 points once a day. However, a guard catches me trying to open the door. Good thing the criminal system is fucked up since I only had to pay 5 gold to loot a lot of items inside the warehouse. Thanks broken justice system!

Inside the warehouse, there's containers. Lots of them. Most contain typical stuff like food, pillows, and other random shit but I do manage to loot an Imperial Chain Cuirass and some other useful stuff. Thankfully the guards inside don't seem to matter that I've just broken in and stolen some of their stuff.

As soon as I leave the warehouse, I'm immediately attacked. I thought that the townspeople were going to exact bloody revenge for the theft of the tax funds but it turns out that it was just two random bandits. Thankfully, the guards take care of them right before I was going to run out of health. I loot their corpses for shields and some enchanted swords. Great.

Text Play Morrowind Part 1: Morgan Freeman?

As a way of practicing my writing skills and making playing a game look like something productive, I've decided to keep a diary of my aimless wandering and exploits in The Best Role Playing Game of All Time™, Morrowind. Granted, some people will say otherwise but keep in mind that some people can really be stupid.

This isn't the first time I've played Morrowind so somewhat already know my way around it. I can still remember my brother coming home way back in 2003 with the Morrowind CD, neatly packed in shitty plastic like most pirated games. I can even remember them staring at disbelief at how the water looked. Now however, he keeps complaining on how the water looks so much like ass. At the time however, I was to preoccupied playing Vice City and Counter-Strike to give a crap about Morrowind. It was only during the summer of 2008 when I started playing Morrowind. I think I got about to a third of the game's main quest before getting Chickenpox. Seriously. Now though, I'm ready to finish it up to the end. Hopefully I won't get infected by another contagious disease this time.

I've gone to some lengths to modify the game, mostly to prevent it looking like ass. I'll give the list of mods later. For now, let's start the game!

I start off the game inside a ship, with no idea where I'm from or why I'm here. Apparently, I'm a prisoner sent to Morrowind by the Emperor for unknown reasons. Uh-oh, this is another one of those “unsuspecting simpleton becomes the savior of the world” games isn't it. I wake up next to this half-naked elf guy who asks me my name. Wait, we're the only prisoners on this ship and you still don't my name? A text box then appears and I enter my name. I'm Ken, the unsuspecting simpleton becomes the savior of the world. 

At least this game didn't start in a shower.

 

A guard appears. He then walks toward us with his awkward walking animation that looks like he just shit his pants. He tells me to follow him up the deck since this is my stop. Unfortunately, this game suffers from NPCs that walk too slowly and player characters that walk too fast. I repeatedly try to overtake him but the ship is too cramped. Oh well.

Is it me or does he have really pronounced crotch armor?

I finally manage to overtake him, leaving him to eat my dust. Still, he doesn't seem to care. I walk up the stairs and open the hatch. 

 

          Freedom! Fresh air! HDR graphics! Textures that don't look like vomit! It's a good thing that I invested in those texture mods or this would have looked a lot worse. As I head down the dock, I see a familiar face. Is that... Morgan Freeman!?

"The first night's the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in naked as the day you were born, skin burning and half blind from that delousing shit they throw on you, and when they put you in that cell... and those bars slam home... that's when you know it's for real. A whole life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it."

It is him! Looks like he took some time-off from his busy acting schedule to bid our character goodbye. Thanks!

Celebrity cameos aside, I head down the dock. However, a guard blocks my path. Looks like he wants to know who we are. It's character creation time!

I decide to be a member of the Khajiit, a race of cat-like humanoids. I primarily chose them because I'm a huge furry and I like yiffing I liked their bonuses in the areas of stealth and they have this power that demoralizes human opponents. Also, the other races kinda look like shit. After that, I go inside the building behind him; the Seyda Neen Census and Excise office.

Inside, I'm greeted by a bald old guy, probably the manager of this fine establishment. Apparently, I need to give out information about my character so he can record my entry into Seyda Neen. It's character class pickin' time! I have three ways to do that: I answer questions and he picks out my class based on my answers, I choose a class from the preset ones, or I make my own. I didn't pick the first option since I never trusted those tests. Case in point: I somehow got an outdoor career during my school's career test when I'm actually a huge nerd wasting his life in front of the PC, never having real life social interaction, and whose only source of light is the warm glow of a monitor more of an indoors guy. I chose the last option because I wanted more customization of my character.

I wanted a well-balanced character, so I put combat, magic, and stealth skills to make it even. I'm a Poonhunter; a character that can skillfully thrust spears and shoot arrows while using destructive spells to destroy his enemies and restorative spells to heal himself. Oh, I also choose sneak and stealth so I can rob people blind to save money. Like the immoral thief I am, the first thing I did after this was to look for stuff to steal. Sure enough, I found a Limeware platter worth 650 drakes on his shelf. 

 

Unfortunately, I got caught. The guard in the room ran at me amidst screams of “YOU COWARDLY THIEF!!!” and took the platter back. Fortunately, this was still the tutorial so I was let go without a fine. As I was exiting the room I saw “The History of the Empire Volume 3” and “The History of the Empire Volume 4” on a shelf. You'd think that the developers would want you to take the books so you can learn more about Morrowind but noooo. The guard caught me and took the books. Damn.

I went into the next room. This time, the game specifically instructs you to steal a dagger and lockpick on a table for the combat tutorial. This time, no one was in the room so I stole a couple bottles of some drink, a loaf of bread, some gold, and a few plates. Hey, every drake counts, right? After taking everything that's not nailed down, I proceeded to the next room. Before that though, the game instructs me to get a ring inside a barrel. It's an Engraved Ring of Healing! Hooray! I take the ring like the greedy bastard I am and wear it. Into the next room we go!

Lastly, we're greeted by Sellus Gravius, the Imperial emissary in charge of this place. Before we leave, it looks like we have a mission. A mission to deliver a package to a man named Caius Cosades in the town of Balmora. Hopefully, this package won't get us executed by a world superpower in revenge for our sloppy handling of a certain hostage situation. I'll remember to kill Sellus later so I can get his pimpin' armor.